“I sleep
with my wife once a month.”
… The
second says …
“Twice a
month for me.”
“I do it
once a week,”
… says
the third Sailor …
“That’s
nothing,” says the fourth Sailor, “I’m at it every day.”
The first
Sailor cries …
“But
you’re not even married!”
“I know,”
says Sailor number four. “I thought we were talking about your wife!”
I’ll
never forget the day I showed up at MEPS. I arrived at the entrance as they
scurried me away to the medical facilities. The nurse took one look at me and
said…
“Okay,
Buddy, you’ll find a seat on the other side of the swinging doors.”
Before
I knew it, I was getting a physical. They put me on a table and covered me with
a white gown that had my ass hanging out the back end. As I sat there, the room
filled up with several other prospects joining different branches of the
service. An old codger of a doctor walks in, walks up to me and covers my face.
I said …
“I’m
not dead. I just want to join the Navy.”
…
To which he said …
“Okay,
jump up and down on one leg.”
So
I jumped up and down on one leg. Then they started to examine me. What an
examination it was… as they put a Doctor at one ear and a Doctor at the ear,
look through your head to see if they can see each other, if they can, you out …
disqualified! Then the Doctor said to me …
“Do
you believe in the hereafter?”
“Of
course I do, Doc…”
…
He said …
“Good,
from here on, you’ll need some faith!”
Then
they sent me to see a classifier… the one who helps me pick out my job. I was
to become a Firecontrolman.
“What
the hell is a Firecontrolmen? Do I put out fires?”
“No
actually quite the opposite. You start them.”
And
ever since I had told family and friends that I joined the Navy to be a fire
starter. You’d never believe the looks of confusion on their faces.
I
went to ‘Great Mistakes’ for Bootcamp. Never did I realize just how great the
barracks would be, with tiled floors that we stripped and waxed on a daily
basis. That’s a lot of wax … and I learned about buffer rodeos too. Then there
was the Navy Chow! They say nothing is too good for the Navy, and that includes
the chow. Because that’s what I ended up eating… nothing. After eating that
food I finally found out what G.I. stands for …
“Got Insurance?”
The Navy Recruiter
was prospecting a potential applicant …
“For this
job, we want a responsible young man.”
… To
which the young applicant chirped …
“Then
that’s me. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, they told me that
I was responsible.”
An
applicant walked into the door of the local Navy Recruiting Station. As the
interview went along and after much squirming and mental labor it was time to fill
out the paperwork. His first form read…
NAME:
John Smith
AGE: 27
SEX: Once in a while
Recruiter:
What's your biggest weakness?
Candidate:
My principal weakness is my problem with reality; sometimes, I can't say what's
real and what isn't.
Recruiter:
Okay, then what are your strengths?
Candidate:
I'm Batman.
Recruiter:
So, how long did you work at your previous job?'
Candidate:
I would say my greatest weakness is my listening skills.
Received
a call from a Navy Recruiter. She said …
"Sir
I have two openings for you.
… I
replied …
“Yes, I
know.”
There was
a long silence and then she said …
“Asshole!”
… I
replied …
“I prefer
the other one.”
( Fin )
In today’s
world of instant gratification, the norm seems to be immediate reward without
any effort. It’s become ever more prevalent with each new generation. They
never had to sit and wait while absence let the heart grow fonder.
Now, back
in the days before email, cell phones, and social media, we had good ol’ snail mail. That’s right. We had to wait weeks, sometimes months to get a
letter from back home. That’s why mail was so important back then. Mail was the
lifeline that kept us sailors connected to the folks who didn't make a living floating
like a cork in the deep blue sea. Rather it was a letter from Mom & Dad or
Cindy, Sue, or Betty-Lou… it didn’t matter. It’s what we were waiting for to
see if barnacle-encrusted rapscallions still had any significance in the
domesticated world.
Are there
still mail buoy watches? For you landlubbers, the mail buoy watch was usually
on the forecastle dressed in kapok with wet gear while diligently holding a shepherd’s
hook to catch the buoy as we floated on by. Of course, this was a load of
horseshit. A senior band of enlisted gorillas were usually in charge of such
functions. But hell, back in the day, we always found ways to harass the new
guy onboard. We sent a lot of new guys on fools' errands to keep them on their
toes. Standing the mail buoy watch was just one of many.
When Mail Call was passed over the 1MC the Mail Petty Officer passed out mail while making smartass jokes about paternity suits, divorce decrees, or some sort of eviction notice… etc… etc.
“Hey Mack! You got a few official letters
here. Looks like the ex-wife is sending out the dogs to collect the loot.”
"Smitty! Ya got a letter from some honey in Olongapo.
Says she wants to get married so you can bring her to America and buy her
Honda!”
"Hey Joe, is that a letter from your girl back home?"
... Joe would reply ...
"Is a pig's pussy made of pork?"
Some
Sailors got love letters, and some didn’t. We all enjoyed the ones with the
perfumed prose and laced panties to tuck under our pillows at night. It was one
hell of a way to kick-start a wet dream. Some letters were so saturated
in perfume they could make a dead monk horny! And some letters were written as
though they had come straight out of a Xaviera Hollander Penthouse editorial.
You had
to be careful who you shared your letters with. Some lowlife son-of-a-bitch
would be more than willing to read those letters to a full audience…
“I can’t wait to see you again so you can
kiss me passionately as I feel your hand go up my blouse …”
You know
the drill. I had a gal who would send mixed tapes of what she considered “our
songs” to remember her by. About 80% of the songs were like auditory ipecac. If
my ears could vomit they surely would.
Then
there were of course the ‘Dear John’ letters. Those inescapable letters would
read …
"I know you will understand... The neighbor
came over to fix the leaking faucet but fully rooted my plumbing instead. His
snake is much more effective than yours. You’ll be receiving the divorce papers
in the mail soon. In the meantime, I’ve drained the bank account and maxed out
all of the credit cards. I figure you won’t need them while on deployment
anyway, so have fun …
Signed,
Your
soon-to-be ex-wife!
P.S.
I'm sure you will find a Filipina more suited to your unique lifestyle."
But the family
members, sweethearts, and other loved ones who faithfully wrote were absolute
saints to a young man far away from home for the first time. There was nothing
better than a little bit of warm welcomed news coming back from Mayberry Umpty Squat, Ohio. It was the mail that
kept us going for so long. Even if we had to wait weeks upon months to receive
that letter…
There are
many ways to have coffee … Regular, Black, and Midwatch Brew. Regular is using
the prescribed amount in the coffee maker in accordance with the manufacturer’s instruction,
poured into a cup with sugar and cream.
Black is
done in the exact same method using no cream whatsoever, with sugar optional.
Now the
Midwatch Brew, use two to three times more coffee than the manufacturer’s
specifications and let it sit brewing for a minimum of two to four hours. This
coffee should be thick, bitter, and strong enough to wake the dead. Navy Sailors
coffee ration should be regulated to two to three pots per day. Over caffeinating
a Sailor may result in longer than normal work days, longer than normal sea
stories, and restlessness.
Coffee
was created by combining the tears of a Food Service Specialist, the shrieks of
a Yeoman, and the fear of green recruit seamen. Early Navy Sailors used these
ingredients to make a tasty stimulating drink. Boatswain Mitch Coffee was the
inventor of the drink in which it is named. Sailors from ancient Columbia
cultivated the first coffee beans in the mountains and later sold the
plantation to a Mr. Juan Valdez, so that Navy Sailors could focus on other
things like drinking it.
The more
you know …
Here’s a nice set of gals to keep you ol’ salts humored. I hope you enjoy this month’s collection …
